Back to the daily grind

January 9th, 2023 — 10:23 PM

Mood: Melancholy
Listening to: Like a River Runs - Bleachers
Reading: Course syllabuses
Drinking: Water

Oh goodness, it's been a few days hasn't it? I really meant to write again sooner, but enough has happened in the past few days that I completely forgot to write even when I meant to; honestly, it feels like a whole lifetime has passed since I last made an entry here even if it's more like three days, haha. School is back in session, baby! Time to get this shit done!

Unfortunately I have to spend... extra time and money at university, and I won't get to graduate in June. See, I have too many 200 level (junior level) courses under my belt; I need 120 units to graduate, of which a max of 48 can be those aforementioned junior level courses— I have 57, so I need to do 3 more 300+ level courses in order to graduate, so I'll end up having to take out a student loan which I thought I might be able to avoid. Oh, well. Sometimes life takes a swing at you, but the most you can do is get back up, brush it off, get back in the saddle, all that. Honestly, that's kind of my approach lately; there are a lot of bad people and bad things in the world, and bad opinions, and bad everything, but you as an individual can't stop them all yourself and it's not healthy to pretend you can; you have to live for yourself, fight your own battles, ride your own horse. I love the horse metaphors :) I can't control other people, the world wasn't meant for that. But I can control my life, and even when I make mistakes, I can do my best to remedy them. I think I'm someone who loves the world, loves people, but I think I have to keep them at arm's length distance for everyone's sake; I can't be getting upset when someone I love does something out of my control even when I don't agree with it, but I also don't have to and shouldn't be serving as their enabler because it only hurts us both (or us all, depending on the situation). All things considered I'm trying to process these feelings, and now that I've deleted my one Twitter and moved away from the other one I feel much better and a lot more optimistic about life. Other people, not even my friends, are not my responsibility. Friendship is a responsibility, caring for the relationship is, but their individual actions are not.

Lots of, uh, changes this week. That's one way to put it, I guess? Saturday I went out for breakfast with my parents and had fun; it was nice to have an outing like that again, and get away from the house and everything/everyone in it. Stopped at the Dollarama on the way home, not much to see there but I did get a few neat things. I won't get into any friend-group interpersonal problems or events here, just vaguely reference them; expect the unexpected, I guess, is all I'm saying. Ah well. Cancelled class (I'll expound on this later), back to university, did some art...

The hockey game Friday was a blast, as we beat the Islanders 4-1. I felt bad when I got home but I can largely chalk that up to relapsing a bit in terms of my coping with my shitty relationship with social media (largely Twitter, Tumblr is a place I find easier to manage... I've also been reflecting on some past trauma and narrowly avoided shit I nearly got myself into when I was 15 but that's all... not stuff I want to talk about here, as I think the person responsible was run off the site... maybe?). I tried a new drink at the game, a Great Western Light in lieu of my customary 1 and a half Original 16s; it's a lot lighter and easier to drink but it doesn't even really get me buzzed, which is fine. I don't drink every time at the games but it is fun to get drunk and have fun with like-minded people, and it helps me kinda open up to being loud and all that and most importantly SOCIAL with strangers. Also, I get to forget about the world for at least a little bit. My thoughts are... jumbled right now. It's the end of the day. We lost to the Blackhawks on Sunday, somehow. Once again, just have to keep on trucking!

My university has a lovely habit of constantly dropping classes or re-arranging schedules or whatnot. This is the second time they have dropped a class the day before the term starts. The reason I have too many 200 level courses in the first place is that there was a solid 2 terms where I was unable to get into a 300+ level class that didn't have some sort of qualifying thing preventing me from joining, whether that was reserved seats, a full waitlist, a waitlist I got dropped from, or prerequisites, among other things. It's a bit of a nightmare. Regardless, I'm going to keep trying my best; I'll be done with school within the year even if it takes a little longer than I would have wanted and I'll be able to graduate in September or so, and then get my job and see where my life goes from there. Most importantly, though, I'll just keep on living.

[You may] Look out on your friends, who are your friends, and you may say about them to yourself, whether or not they’re listening; ‘I’d kill them as soon as look at them again. I can’t live another winter with you people. But I can’t tell you that, because you might have money, or drugs, or something else I could use, so. But I wish you all could understand that that is the compact between us, that you are here for me as long as I need you, at which point I hope you will incinerate yourselves, as that would just be good manners.’

— John Darnielle