TESTING, TESTING, 123

January 5th, 2023 — 1:11 AM

Mood: Ambivalent
Listening to: All I Can Say - Orville Peck
Reading: The screen, where I'm writing this entry
Playing: World of Warcraft
Drinking: Water

Hellooooooo out there. I've finally decided to sit down and actually work on this thing, because god damn it, I want a space of my own! I just recently started to move away from Twitter, and I took a big step in order to do so, which was outright deleting one of them. I've had to resist the temptation to go back and activate it until the 30 days are up, but honestly, good riddance; I've already started feeling much better, and processing my thoughts and feelings in my own time. Also contributing to this uptick in my mood, or at least my hope (we'll get into the real life troubles oh so very soon) is weaning myself off of Discord, for the most part, starting with only answering DMs and pruning my friends list/deleting my inactive server(s)/leaving some servers. It was starting to feel really toxic for me to depend on it so much, and I'd rather not turn on the people I care about... even if I don't always feel I can trust them. Isn't it strange, loving someone you can't or at least don't feel like you can fully trust? Regardless, it's been nice to prioritize myself, I suppose; when you're alone, you can't really feel let down or excluded or anything, 'cause you're the only one there.

Anyway, part of my big problem was the content I was getting exposed to on a daily basis. Well, that and just the burgeoning hatred of social media I've started to develop (I only use one Twitter now, and even then I don't browse it as much as I used to). Oh, and the interpersonal drama, which shouldn't have been my problem necessarily but that I felt I had no stake in but was being pulled into regardless. You have two wolves in, uh, your life, I guess. In regards to the first bit there, though— I mean, I can't stop people from doing what they do, much as my OCD torments my brain with their actions every moment, but I sure can "learn to use" a mean block button (or a metaphorical one). Fastest gun in the southwest, baby! ;) You're free to associate with whoever you want, and do what you want, but I don't have to sit there and take it, especially when that stuff is getting blasted onto my dash thanks to Twitter's shitty algorithm— like, what an oops! I'll remake that Twitter sometime, I guess, but I ain't sharing it freely anymore; not that I did in the first place anyway. Maybe I just wasn't meant for these times; who knows. I'm incredibly sorry if this comes off as, like... mad, or whatever. I'm not, not really, not at this point. It's honestly whatever.

But enough of that depressing stuff! You guys can get my research-backed opinions (yes, in fact, I do some pretty mean research on the side, being an English major and all reading and analysis has basically been my job for the past four years) on internet discourse some other day, when I'm 35 and living ALONE (keyword, there) in a one-room lakeside cabin in small-town Manitoba after I lose my childhood house. Oh, dangnabbit; I said I was gonna stop with the depressing stuff... well, it's too bad real life is depressing too. Sorry to get all cynical and nasty sounding on you, dear reader, but tensions are running high around here lately. For some personal, family-related reasons I won't get into, we might be totally screwed out of our house (and in addition to this, I might be short on tuition payments for this "last" semester, which actually might be my second last if I don't get the class I need... though if we lose the house I won't even have to worry about any of this stuff anyway); I'm stressed about it, sure, but I mainly feel empty. I still feel better than I did, though, so that's something. I think the string of happenings these past few weeks have worn me out. Ah, well. What can you do?

...Yeah. Didn't mean to get too, I don't know, mean or cynical, like I said. I don't feel particularly mean, at least not right now. I don't feel too bad in general, either. It's good to be alone, to be honest. I'm just kind of... neutral, I guess. Bittersweet. Wasn't really expecting to write anything long or substantial here, I don't think it needs a warning, but... maybe morning me will disagree. Anyway... I've been working on a rebrand of my personal identity and of my art-persona, since I've been thinking... I'm disillusioned with the whole niche I've found myself in, so I wanna branch out from just being "another furry artist" and actually... get out there and draw some new stuff, y'know? And I don't feel particularly attached to any one name, either; I'm just kind of a drifter. Now that I think about it, that would be a fun lifestyle for me, honestly; I'd love to be a nomad/drifter-type of some sort, just passing through wherever I go, learning what I can, all that. Something to aspire to, maybe? My retrospective childhood hero miiiiight just be Hobo, of The Littlest Hobo fame... shit. Well. I'm thinking of making an OC page soon; it won't REPLACE my Toyhouse, really, but it'll be easier to get info about them out to interested parties. To cap this entry off, though, I think it would be fun if I ended every entry on a quote, sometimes related, sometimes not... how's that sound? Let's try it out right now. Thank you for listening to my rambles, I suppose, and I hope to see you around here again.